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How To Write A Terrible Blog Post
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- Use a headline that search engines love but that inflicts pain on human readers.
While a headline like "3 Powerful Ways to Make Money Online" may strike a chord with readers, search engines won't really notice.
Keyword stuffing in the headline is a great technique for improving your post's search engine optimization. The preceding headline might be rewritten as "Money Makers: Make More Money with Money-Making Tips for Making Money, Money, Money - Show Me the Money!"
- Write like an android. Passion is for teens and immigrants.
If your writing is too engaging, people will read your post instead of clicking on the ads, and you can't let that happen. Give them a reason to want to leave the page by boring them to death.
- Talk a lot about your personal life. We'd love to hear how your cat's birthday was.
This is your blog, right? Write about whatever you feel like. When you tell your readers to jump, they say "how high?"
- Insult and exclude your readers. Put them in their place and keep them there.
You're the expert here. Take control of the conversation and don't give your readers an inch. Use phrases like "as any intelligent person knows" to preemptively fend off other opinions, and phrases like "my last AdSense check was so big the Fed had to cut interest rates" to remind people that you're better than them and you know it.
- Use circumlocution to stall readers while you try to figure out what you're writing about.
Writer's block strikes everyone, so when it does, just let the ideas flow and try to make sense of them later. If you dance around the issue long enough, you can finish an entire series of posts before you decide on a topic.
- Write one enormous paragraph with absolutely no formatting.
This isn't Kindergarten, and we all know how to read. Forget about bulleted lists, images, bold font and italics. People should be tough enough to swallow your post in one shot.
- Just get the post over with. No climax or plot.
Reading a post isn't supposed to be like savoring a glass of fine wine, it's supposed to be like ripping off a band-aid.
- Let readers pick up the slack in the comments.
Don't feel like you have to do all the work. Let your readers do their fair share. If you run out of steam early, just leave the post half-finished and ask your readers what they would do in that situation. You may find that they write better than you if you just give them a chance.
- Don't deliver in the end. Keep them wanting more.
If you provide value in your post, you've given away your leverage. Why would readers buy the cow when they can have the milk for free? A post should only whet their appetite for your overpriced seminar or eBook.
- Don't check your spelling. There isn't enough time.
Once you're done writing, don't just sit there basking in the glow. Every second your post remains unpublished is a wasted opportunity. Just hit publish and don't worry about typos or things that don't make sense. Your readers might be able to figure out what you mean anyway.
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